I am a Citizen of Crazy Cat Lady Land

You always see women in corsets fainting for the stupidest reasons, but today, standing in my kitchen in sweat pants, I fainted because my cat was hurt.

Let me preface this by saying I am a fantastic cat owner, and I love my cats very much. I have two cats, Fred and George.  They’re ginger brothers, and they’re the loves of my life. They are also indoor/outdoor cats.

Last night, I couldn’t get Fred to come in, so I went to bed with George and didn’t think much of it. They occasionally spend the night out when the weather isn’t oppressive and the moon is bright.

This morning I woke up and immediately went to check for Fred. He was waiting at the door, as usual, and I let him in. That’s when I realized his paw was covered in blood, and he was leaving a bloody trail of paw prints behind him.

I put him on the counter, fed him a little bit of tuna to distract him and keep him in place, grabbed a bowl of water, and began cleaning the blood off.  Fred was surprisingly calm. He just seemed annoyed that I was dipping his paw in water and interrupting his tuna eating; I, however, was slowing disintegrating into a hot mess. It was around this time, counter splattered with blood, that I started to feel overheated and nauseous. My vision started to get blotchy and black…

I woke up a few minutes later on the kitchen floor.

Fred’s paw was fine, just a small cut between his toes.

I have always claimed to be a crazy cat lady… but today, I have officially become a proud citizen of Crazy Cat Lady Land, and I don’t think I’m ever coming back.

Hopefully I’ll never be under a forensics investigation because there is definitely cat blood remnants all over my kitchen, and I’ve seen enough crime dramas to know it will show up under their black light test.

 

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Two Book Thursday

I have a bad habit of starting too many books at a time; however, it allows me to finish multiple books at a time. Last night, I had about two chapters left in two books I’ve been reading off and on for the last month, i like you just the way i am by Jenny Mollen and Bridget Jones’s Diary by Helen Fielding – allowing me to finish two books in one night, which sounds way cooler when bragging about how much I read.

The two books worked well together. Mollen’s collection of  crazy, personal short stories mixed with Fielding’s fiction about a singleton journalist navigating the dating world perfectly describe both sides of my neurosis. It’s almost like a little devil and angel on my shoulder… except both of them kind of give horrible advice. There’s Jenny sitting on my left shoulder saying, “Go for it. Stalk your ex at that concert that you know he’s going to be at,” and Bridget on my right shoulder saying, “Stay home. Eat chocolate. Chain smoke. Drink. You can make up for the calories next week.”

For now, shoulder-Bridget is winning, but I’m sure shoulder-Jenny will take control this weekend sometime, and I’ll end up drunk in Dallas, embarrassing myself in a way that will make a hilarious story once the shame goes away.